The Journey is Long But I am Going to Walk It
Student Spotlight: Carys Hughes
Why am I here? My story begins at a place where my life was in turmoil, I spent most of my childhood in fight and flight mode, and this was a place where I had to survive, I could never show any kinds of vulnerability as this was a sign of weakness, so my only defence was to fight. I was my families protector from a very early age because I had to put on this front that I was never afraid and showing no signs of vulnerability or I would have been subjected to a lot more like the rest of my family.
This is something I really struggle with now, being seen, using my voice, I didn’t understand any different, I became a ball of rage which lead me down a road of complete self-destruction and loathing. I was a drug user, a binge drinker, a risk taker, a live wire and I was a danger to myself and sometimes others. I have lost people in my life due to drugs, and people I cared about. I witnessed hell on earth through this life choice and my mental health began to suffer. I was diagnosed with bulimia, OCD, anxiety, depression, drug addiction, body dysmorphia, and my life I felt was hanging by a thread. I felt such a deep sense of self loathing that I attempted suicide at 25. It was a cry for help and thankfully I was rushed into hospital, and I was saved. However, this didn’t stop my lifestyle. My life was numb, I felt only anger and pain, I couldn’t trust people, I was struggling so bad with my mental health I really wanted to end my life.
I couldn’t hold down jobs, relationships, anything really, I would move around a lot to run away from myself. Then I finally moved to Scotland and this is where I met my husband, this man showed me real love, love I had never experienced before, I had never felt kindness like this and he didn’t hit me either which was a real bonus I thought, unlike all my previous relationships, I had been subjected to some serious levels of violence having body parts bitten off, and however painful my life was, I hadn’t known any different as I watched this all when I grew up, violence, alcohol, punishment, manipulation, abuse. However, this man showed me love, and I starting to finally love myself and he supported me through years of therapy, I found myself, there was still a lot of work to be done but I had started to like myself, and started to believe I was worthy of love.
We married and eventually had IVF where I had my two beautiful twins, my boy and girl and from this moment I knew that my children were never going to have to deal with anything like in my own life, I wanted so bad to break the cycle, I wanted to love my children so badly, I wanted to be capable of this, and I was. From this day on I have spent so much time healing myself through meditation, connecting deeper with nature, connecting to myself, listening to my heart. It hasn’t been easy, but the best gift you can give to your children is to heal yourself. I read this recently and it resonated with me so much, I have to heal for myself and my children.
The journey is long but I am going to walk it, with openness and love and let go of anything that is holding me back. I want to be free of my chains of trauma, I want to be vulnerable and I want to help others do the same. I want to give so much back from my own experiences, I have become a peer mentor for women who have touched the criminal justice system and I feel super proud to be now on this breathwork journey. I want to embrace this, I am so excited and happy, I feel so ready for this next stage of my journey. I need to unpeel more of myself to allow more love in, I will get there and when I do, I am going to shout it from the roof tops.
About Carys Hughes
Carys is training to be a Breathwork Facilitator and will be adding classes, alongside her nature practices in the near future.
